Buy These Games/Accessories If You Hate Your Children

Were you unable to back brain kick someone in the quest to save a few dollars on Black Friday?  Are you clueless to what to buy the gamer in your life?  Chill...your boy Brooks is on the case. With capitalism thick in the air, along with the aroma of burning credit card magnetic strips...I have a list.


Not just some sterile dry ass "Best of" list, what fun would that be? These "gifts" are a Christmas fate worse than socks or an Uwe Boll box set.

They should only be given if you want to revel in the look of disgust on a person's face as the gift wrap reveals a digital turd.  I guess if you're out to troll someone's Christmas, this is the guide to do so.

CTA Digital Boxing Gloves

Power gloves these are not.  For when you want to look like a complete badass, while looking like an idiot punching the air like Trey from "Boyz in the Hood"

The gloves features include "VELCRO­® and "the authentic feel and motion of being in a real boxing match"  Nothing screams authentic boxing like holding what looks like a Martian sex toy while wearing these gloves. On the bright side, you're got about 1/8th of your Dee-Jay costume for next Halloween.

 

PDP Afterglow Controller

Have you ever gone into your local electronics store in search of a controller and while skipping through the aisles you think "I need a controller that reminds me of this:" 

Every time you power up your console you'll be reminded of the Woman & Donkey show you saw in Tijuana and the herpes you caught.  It's not all bad at least it controls like a dream, and by dream I mean that cat who sings horribly.  You'd have better luck hot wiring two Atari 2600 controllers and using your feet.

Any licensed game not titled "Batman: Arkham City" or "Marvel vs. Capcom 3"

There is no country for half assed games, no matter the source material.  Publishers have swindled fans of Marvel, DC, Dragon Ball et al. for YEARS!  Simply put Arkham City is a masterpiece even if you're NOT a fan of the Dark Knight.  Meanwhile you have $60 coasters like "Thor" "Transformers Dark of the Moon" "Kung Fu Panda 2" "X-Men Destiny" "NCIS" "Green Lantern" "Harry Potter..." you get the idea. Hell, if you want to be a cheap ass, "Arkham Asylum" is $20 bucks or less.

Call of Juarez the Cartel

Call of Juarez the Cartel received a lot of media flak even before a trailer was released.  Lawmakers in the city of Chihuahua wanted the sale of this title to be banned in Mexico altogether.  After popping this game in your console, you will wish the ban touched the rest of the Earth and it's surrounding solar systems.  Drab graphics, Straight to DVD voice acting the game is barely playable and no fun at all.  Oh did I mention more minority deaths than a southern militia member's wet dream?  Techland, what was the point with the totally unnecessary driving portions.  Were they thrown in from a cancelled game titled "Swisher Run?"  By chapter two I got bored with the storyline and instead of my character being DEA; I imagined him being Karl Kani going on a rampage to rid the world of Fubu, South Pole and G-Unit wifebeaters.

These games and peripherals definitely have the scarlet letter of hot garbage all over them.  Do not give these as gifts.  Do not purchase them as gifts to yourself.  Do not listen to the siren song of the clearance rack.  The money you save is an illusion, the lack of enjoyment you will receive from these titles are not.  Trust me on this, I'm a professional hater.